Strategic Easter Egg Hunting

Paula and I took our four year old son Logan to an Easter egg hunt on Saturday. The sun was shining and the temperature was in the low 60’s. Perfect conditions for an Easter egg hunt.

The official Easter egg hiders had a pretty easy job! The hunt was held in an open, grassy area of a nice park in town. They divided the area into three adjoining smaller areas with yellow tape for different age groups. All the eggs were simply placed onto the ground in wide open view. No hunting skills needed for this Easter egg hunt. There were literally hundreds and hundreds of different colored Easter eggs just laying on the ground for the taking. It’s was a dream come true for any young child. 😀

Shortly before the hunt was to begin, the head Easter egg man entered the Easter egg arena with a megaphone to make his announcement. “Children two and under to my left, children three to five years of age in the center area and children six and over in the area to my right.” “We have just a few minutes before we start but please take your children to the proper hunting area”. That’s when MY fun began!! I’m a people watcher! LOL

There was a MAD DASH to the starting line of the hunt. Parents in full sprint dragging their children behind them as to make sure their child was in the front of the line. Kids frantically looking around for their parents so they could get in line and not miss the hunt. Cameras coming out of bags and purses all over the place. Parents and children confused as to what line to get into even though the head Easter egg man made it VERY clear with a freakin megaphone. I heard confusion all over the place! “What age group is this line?” “I think we are supposed to be over in that line Suzy?” “Those kids over there look more like your age Bobby”. PEOPLE, the Easter egg man made it VERY CLEAR with a freakin megaphone. Apparently, more than one line is just too damn confusing for some people?? I found this of course, quite amusing.

After all the confusion seemed to be figured out, the head Easter egg man took center stage with his megaphone once again. “We will be starting the hunt in just a couple more minutes.” “We want to make sure that everyone is here before we begin”. See, this to me is not right! I say FUCK EM! If the hunt was supposed to begin at 1:00 then start the hunt at 1:00 by golly. Why should the people who show up ON TIME have to wait for the fucktards that can’t make it to an Easter egg hunt on time? Sure, I would feel sorry for those kids that have fucktards as parents but it’s just NOT FAIR for the rest of us.

As we waited for the last of the stragglers to make their way to the Easter egg arena, I was once again amused by all the parents choosing the best strategy in getting as many eggs as possible with their children. Don’t get me wrong; Paula and I were just as guilty as everyone else in strategizing. Paula said to me “ok, I’m going to walk to the other end of the tape boundary.” “You stay on this end with Logan and tell him to skip all the eggs in the beginning and run down to me at the other end.” “All the other kids will go for the first eggs they come too and Logan will be down on the other end where none of the other kids will be”. “He will have ALL those eggs down there all to himself”. I agreed that this was an AWESOME strategy!! Hopefully, he will be at the other end of the arena all by his lonesome self calmly picking up eggs and placing them into his bag as the other children run around freaking out, falling down and getting trampled on in the pursuit of the Easter egg. I heard other parents telling their kids things like “ok Billy, you see those eggs all clumped together off to the right?” “Start there cause there are a lot there”. My favorite was “ok Tommy, just run out to the center and keep working in circles until they are all gone.” What? Keep working in circles? WTF are you talking about lady??

FINALLY the head Easter egg man took the center of the arena with megaphone in hand once again. The anticipation of what he was going to say was almost too much for many to handle. Some of the ADHD and ritalin taking kids were making their way slowly out into the arena and the Easter egg man had to round them back up and make them go back to the starting line. He raised his megaphone and said “Ok folks, we are going to start the hunt now”. “When you hear the siren, run out here and gather as many Easter eggs as you can”. This was the queue for parents to give their children one last pep talk including myself. “Remember what you are gonna do Logan” I asked. He shook his head yes and looked to make sure Paula was standing in the same place so he new where to run. “Remember what I told you Billy” and “Suzy, don’t forget what we talked about” and “Tommy, remember to work in circles” are some of the things I heard from the other parents.

Suddenly, the siren sounded and the kids were off like a heard of wild horses. None of them remembering any of the strategies that they had talked over with their parents. Just 50,000 kids running all over the place throwing as many eggs in their bags and baskets as possible. Logan at first ran towards Paula on the other end but passing all of those eggs was just too much for him and he stopped about half way there and started gathering eggs. Tommy didn’t work in circles at all, more of a straight line really and Suzy just didn’t give a shit at all and strolled around the arena like the freakin eggs were going to jump into her bag all on their own.

Who would have known that an Easter egg hunt could be this much fun for adults? I laughed my ass off the whole damn time!!