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A Story Of Life In One Picture

November 9, 2010

To be totally honest, this cartoon REALLY reminds me of me and bitch eyes!

Men Are Just Happier People

November 8, 2010

NICKNAMES:

  • If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and  Sarah.
  • If Mike , Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT:

  • When the bill arrives, Mike , Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it’s only for $32.50.  None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
  • When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY:

  • A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
  • A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she  doesn’t need but it’s on sale.

BATHROOMS:

  • A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a  towel.
  • The average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 337.  A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these  items.

ARGUMENTS:

  • A woman has the last word in any argument.
  • Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE:

  • A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
  • A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS:

  • A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
  • A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE:

  • A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.
  • A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, but she does.

DRESSING UP:

  • A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
  • A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL:

  • Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
  • Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING:

  • Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
  • A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

Photo of the Day – 11/05/10

November 5, 2010

“Ocean Sunset”

IRS Audit

November 5, 2010

At the end of the tax year, the IRS office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital. While the IRS agent was checking the books he turned to the CFO of the hospital and said, “I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there’s too little left to be of any use?

” Good question ,” noted the CFO. “We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every now and then they send us a free box of bandages.

“Oh,” replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way. “What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what’s left over after setting a cast on a patient?

“Ah, yes,” replied the CFO, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question . “We save it and send it back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free package of plaster.

“I see,” replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all CFO. “Well,” he went on, “What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?

“Here, too, we do not waste,” answered the CFO. “What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the IRS Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick.”

Photo of the Day – 11/04/10

November 4, 2010

“My Buddy Hank”

AKA

Hankers, Hank-a-doodle, Hanky, Hanky Panky and Hankster

You Kids Today Don’t Know How Good You’ve Got It!

November 4, 2010

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their stories about how hard things were. When they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning…. UphillBarefootBOTH ways. yadda, yadda, yadda.
 
I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on my kids about how hard I had it and how easy they’ve got it!  But now that I’m at the ripe old age of forty, I can’t help but look around and notice the youth of today.  You’ve got it so easy!  I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia!  I hate to say it, but you kids today don’t know how good you’ve got it!

I mean, when I was a kid we didn’t have the Internet.  If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!

There was no email!!  We had to actually write somebody a letter – with a pen!   Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox, and it would take like a week to get there!  Stamps were 10 cents!

Child Protective Services didn’t care if our parents beat us.  As a matter of fact, the parents of all my friends also had permission to kick our ass! Nowhere was safe!

There were no MP3’s or Napsters or iTunes!  If you wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the record store and shoplift it yourself! If you didn’t steal it  you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio, and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up!  There were no CD players!  We had tape decks.  We’d play our favorite tape and “eject” it when finished, and then the tape would come undone rendering it useless.  Cause, hey, that’s how we rolled, Baby!  Dig?

We didn’t have fancy crap like Call Waiting!  If you were on the phone and somebody else called, they got a busy signal, that’s it!

There weren’t any freakin’ cell phones either. If you left the house, you just didn’t make a damn call or receive one. You actually had to be out of touch with your “friends”. OH MY GOD !!!  Think of the horror… not being in touch with someone 24/7!!!  And then there’s TEXTING.  Yeah, right.  Please!  You kids have no idea how annoying you are.

We didn’t have fancy Caller ID either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was!  It could be your school, your parents, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, a collection agent… you just didn’t know!!!  You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!

We didn’t have any fancy PlayStation or Xbox video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics!  We had the Atari 2600 with games like ‘Space Invaders’ and ‘Asteroids’.  Your screen guy was a little square!  You actually had to use your imagination!!!  And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen… Forever!  And you could never win.  The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died!  Just like LIFE!

You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing!  You had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel!!!  NO REMOTES!!!  Oh, no, what’s the world coming to?!

There was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning.  Do you hear what I’m saying? We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little rat-finks!

Our parents told us to stay outside and play… all day long.  Oh, no, no electronics to soothe and comfort.  And if you came back inside… you were doing chores!

Car seats – oh, please!  Mom threw you in the back seat and you hung on.  If you were lucky, you got the “safety arm” across the chest at the last moment if she had to stop suddenly, and if your head hit the dashboard, well that was your fault for calling “shot gun” in the first place!
  
See!  That’s exactly what I’m talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You’re spoiled rotten!  You guys wouldn’t have lasted five minutes back in 1980 or any time before!

Regards,
The Over 40 Crowd

Halloween 2010

November 3, 2010

Halloween 2010 has come and gone and what an awesome time it was! We went to some really fun Halloween parties this year and I enjoyed trick-or-treating with Spiderman AKA Logan.

You couldn’t have asked for better weather to trick-or-treat in and this year we did things a little different. Earlier this year we bought a golf cart to use at the resort to get around easier. All the cool people have a golf cart at the resort so this year I got to hang with all the cool people. Anyway, we decided to decorate the golf cart and use that to go trick-or-treating on. We even bought a spooky sounds CD and played it nice and loud as we drove around town.

Using the golf cart was FANTASTIC! Riding is obviously easier than walking and easier to get around in than a car. Spiderman had no door to open and close and could just slide right in and out of the cart and thus maximizing trick-or-treating.

We hit three times as many houses this year as we have any other year. Spiderman ended up with enough candy to keep him bouncing off the walls until summer. 🙂

Holy #@%* It’s A Deer!

November 2, 2010

This picture was taken by a helicopter flying over Lake Weiss , about 90 miles north of Birmingham , Alabama .
The helicopter pilot and the game warden were in communication via radio.  Here is a transcript of their conversation:

‘Air 1, have you a visual on the gator, over’.

‘Approaching inlet now, over’.

‘Gator sighted.  Looks like it has a small animal in its mouth.  Moving in, over’.

‘Roger Air 1’.

‘Holy Crap… it’s a Deer!’

‘Confirm, Air 1… did you say Deer?, over’.

‘Roger… a Deer in its mouth!  Looks like a full-sized buck. That’s a big gator; we are going to need more men,  over’.

‘Roger Air 1.  Can you give me an idea on the size of the animal?, over’.

‘It’s Big!  25 feet at least, please advise.

 

Now THAT is a big gator!

Halloween Parties

October 30, 2010

Since a picture is worth a thousand words, I will let these pictures from a few recent Halloween parties I attended speak for themselves.

Front Row: Darrick

Back Row Left to Right: Cassandra, Mindy and Katie

Cassandra and Katie

Me and Darrick

Darrick and Katie

Me and Nick

Nick

Joe and Tony

Tony

Tony

Tony and Nick

Me and Tony

Me and Tony

Mindy and Joe

Paula and Mindy

Me, Paula and Mindy

Tony

Bridgett

Me, Tony and Bridgett

Joe and Darrick

Mindy and Joe

Mark

Cassandra and Mindy

Back Row Left to Right: Mark, Tony, Darrick, Me and Joe

Front Row: Riley

Left to Right: Paula, Bridgett, Mindy and Cassandra

Back Row Left to Right: Tony, Lou, Joe, Darrick, Me and Mark

Front Row: Riley

Left to Right: Cassandra,  Mindy, Lou, Paula and Bridgett

Left to Right: Mark, Tony, Bridgett, Joe and Darrick

Joe and Randy

Bridgett

Tony and Bridgett

Left to Right: Bridgett, Mindy, Cassandra and Katie

Me

Amy and Cassandra

Paula and Me

Paula

Me

Cassandra and Me

Paula, Cassandra and Me

Me and Billy 

The Two Man Throne

October 27, 2010

One morning while sipping our coffee and reading the newspaper by the lake in our camp chairs, Billy and I started talking about how uncomfortable camp chairs can be. They are comfortable for a short time but when you live in a campground half the year, it would be nice to have something a little more comfortable. Just then, a light bulb appeared over my head and I suggested we should go half and half on a used couch. We could set it right next to the lake and read our newspaper and sip our coffee in comfort. Just think how comfortable we would be fishing from a couch and sitting around the campfire in the evening instead of a camp chair or picnic table I added. We could even take an occasional afternoon nap on it if we really wanted too. Billy thought I was a freaking genius at this point and the search for the perfect couch began. Well, not really the perfect couch but a couch that was in our very modest price range of about $20.

We searched the newspaper for a couch while laughing about how redneck we were going to look and how people were going to laugh at us. After a while we even started talking about getting some end tables, lamps and rugs to make our own little living room but thought it would be best to start with the couch and go from there. The more we talked about it, the harder we laughed until we were almost lying on the ground laughing.

Unfortunately, Billy and I were unable to find a couch in our price range and were really bummed out. A few days later, our friend Terry came out camping and we told him all about what we had planned but were unable to find one. Terry smiled and told us it was our luck day. “I have a couch at home I haven’t been able to give away” he said. “I have asked just about everyone I know if they want it and nobody wants it so it’s just sitting there if you want it” Terry explained. “Hell yeah we want it” Billy and I shouted. Terry then told us that there were just two small details about the couch we should know before going and getting it. Terry’s dog used to like lifting his leg and pissing on one end of the couch along the bottom. It has been cleaned but still has a bit of dog piss smell to it. The second detail was that there were no give backs. He never wanted the couch back so if we take it, it’s ours forever. Billy and I thought that since the couch was going to sit outside anyway, the dog piss shouldn’t be that big of a deal and we didn’t figure we would want to give up the couch after we had it anyway so we agreed to Terry’s terms. Billy and I hopped into my truck (Black Beauty) like a couple of high school kids, got the couch from Terry’s house and brought it back to the campground. We sat it next to the lake and sat down like kings sitting on their thrones.

Soon after getting nice and comfy on our two man throne, Billy remembered he had a megaphone in the back of his truck. We grabbed it and took turns yelling things like “HEY! What are you doing over there” or “HEY! Your music it too loud over there” or “HEY! YOU! In the yellow T-shirt! Nice shorts!” or “Hey! Blonde lady! Show us your t*&s!” or “HEY! FAT GUY! How many beers you gonna have today?” to people across the lake. At one point we even had my six year old son yelling “HEY! (insert name)! Are you my daddy?” After a while, we had the entire lake laughing hysterically.

News of a couple of rednecks fishing and yelling at people through a megaphone on a couch didn’t take long to spread. People would honk and wave to us as they drove by on golf carts or in their cars. A few people came with cameras just to get a picture of us chillaxing on our thrown. We happily posed for photos and even signed autographs. LOL

It’s good to be king!