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We’ve ALL Done It…..Right?

January 8, 2010

Just shy of a month ago, I posed the question of “What’s the most klutzy thing you’ve ever done” as my “Just Curious” question of the day. Some of the responses were pouring boiling water on their leg, falling down stairs and breaking their nose while trying to tie their shoes. Stupid me told the truth and answered the question with “I crapped my pants in my sister’s kitchen once”. This of course opened up a pretty large can of worms and everyone agreed that I owe them the whole story. You can read that post and comments here.

Here is my story, sad but true…..

After my divorce, I was forced to move back in with my parents for a short time. Just long enough to get back on my feet again. During that time, I always felt like I was imposing on my parents even though they tried making it abundantly clear that I was not. None the less, I still felt that way and tried to stay out of their house as much as possible to stay out of their way. I spent a lot of time at different friends’ on week nights and weekends and at my sister’s place. I started dating again and just stayed out of their hair as much as I could.

My sister at that time was a single mother and having a pretty rough time financially. She had her own place and car but it was a huge struggle to pay for them. I would come over to visit her and bring dinner with me a few times a week and we would eat and hang out together at her place. Shortly after I started coming over to hang out, she started dating a guy that she worked with. They started out going out on weekends and I even double dated with them a couple times to get to know him a bit. I liked him and before you knew it, he moved in with my sister. They are now married with children and have been married for 12 years now.

Anyway, back to the story. Even though Eric was living with my sister, I still came over to visit my sister as often. The three of us got along really well and had fun hanging out doing whatever. One night, we all consumed a little too much alcohol and decided it would be best for me to stay the night there instead of getting behind the wheel of a car and driving to my parents. I crashed on the couch and my sister and Eric slept in their bedroom. There was something I had to get up for the next morning and I honestly can’t remember now what it was. Work? Picking up my son from his mothers?  I don’t remember what it was now but it was something I had to get up and do. I didn’t have an alarm clock next to me on the couch so my sister asked if I would like her to set an alarm for me and wake me up in the morning. “Thanks sis, that would be great” I responded.

Unfortunately, I DID NOT sleep well that night at all. That couch was the most uncomfortable thing I have ever laid upon. I tossed and turned almost the whole night trying to get comfortable enough to fall asleep. I FINALLY feel asleep right before the sun came up but woke up when it started shining through the window so I decided to just get up. When I got up, I started hearing my stomach start to grumble and make some pretty funky noises.

Now I don’t know about you but not EVERYONE throws up after drinking too much. I usually have problems with the other end if you know what I mean. 😉 😉 It really depends on what I had been drinking but whatever I was drinking the night before was letting me know it was coming out. Not later…..NOW! I got off the couch and literally RAN to the bathroom and turned the handle on the door only to find it locked. “Who’s there” I heard Eric ask. “It’s me man, I gotta go”. “Are you going to be in there much longer” I asked in a voice that would disguise the fact that I’m about to shit my pants. “No, give me two minutes” Eric said.

Two minutes went by and the door never opened. Another two minutes went by and the door STILL never opened. Five more minutes went by and still no sign of the FUCKING door opening. I was pacing around my sisters apartment with terrible stomach cramps feeling like I was going into labor or something. The pain just kept getting worse and worse so I paced more and more. Down the hallway, into the living room, into the dining room and into the kitchen and then back again. I paced like that for what seemed to be friggin hours.

Finally, I stopped pacing in the kitchen when I thought I heard the door open. I stood there clenching my cheeks together as hard as I could and listened. I heard the bathroom door open and then Eric walking out the front door to go to work. “THANK GOD” I remember saying to myself. As I slowly began to unclench my cheeks, I quickly found out that it wasn’t going to happen. The more I unclenched, the more something began peeking out. “OMG, what the hell am I going to do” I remember asking myself. The longer I stood there clenching, the more my stomach hurt. I HAD to do SOMETHING!! I devised a plan in which when the stomach pain would subside for a moment, I would unclench and get to the bathroom as quickly as possible.

I waited and I waited and my stomach pain began to subside. I knew I only had a few moments before they started back up again so I slowly unclenched my cheeks and prayed. Unfortunately, my prayers were not answered and I began to squirt like a can of cheese whiz. Actually, squirt is a bit of an understatement. It was more like projectile shitting but luckily I had my jeans and underwear to stop it from spraying the kitchen cabinets and walls. I just stood there with my eyes closed and enjoyed the moment. What else could I do?

After I appeared to be done, it was time to open my eyes and access the damage. As you can imagine, the damage was quite substantial. The first thing I did was remove my socks, followed by my jeans and undies which left me standing in my sisters kitchen wearing only a t-shirt. The next plan of attack was to find something to start cleaning up with so I could get to the shower without dripping shit all over the carpet. I walked over to the pantry and found a brand spanking new roll of paper towels. “PERFECT” I thought. I opened up the paper towels like a kid on Christmas morning and began the “pre-showering” cleanup phase of the cleanup process. I thought it would be best to start at the top and work my way down and began wiping…well…..EVERYWHERE.

While reaching for more paper towels, I saw something move out of the corner of my eye. I quickly turned my head and there stood my sister in the entryway to the kitchen. There I stood in her kitchen wearing only a t-shirt, holding shit filled paper towels and standing behind a rather large pool of shit on her kitchen floor. We both just looked at each other with a “deer in the headlight” look. Neither of us really knew what to say to one another so my sister just turned and walked back to her bedroom without saying a word.

I finished the cleanup process, showered, wrapped a towel around me and got the hell out of there. I did NOT want to be there when my sister decided to get back out of bed. Later that night, I returned for a little visit. NOTHING was said about what had happened that morning for quite sometime. It was just like any other day. We just hung out and did whatever. Out of the clear blue, my sister speaks up and says “By the way, I came to wake you up this morning when the alarm went off and I noticed you were already up”. “Were you REALLY standing in my kitchen with shit all over the place or was I dreaming” she asked. We all just laughed. 😀

I normally like to have a photo to go along with my posts. I apologize for not having one for this one. I didn’t have a blog back then when this happened so I never really thought about a photo. Maybe next time? 😀

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45 Comments leave one →
  1. Tasneem R permalink
    January 8, 2010 3:58 AM

    Long storyy indeed!! Well you are successful in remembering the minute details.. !
    The whole thing was funny!
    A Peep Into Your Mind -A journey through your mind.
    http://www.3smartcubes.com/pages/tests/read-mind/read-mind_instructions.asp

    • January 8, 2010 8:11 PM

      Thanks Tasneem! One will usually remember small details of such a tragic event. LOL

      I’m glad you enjoyed. 😀

  2. January 8, 2010 8:15 AM

    Yikes! That’s terrible! Thank God your sister was so cool about the whole thing. And at least you managed to be in the kitchen. Just think, you could have still been asleep on the couch when the assplosion happened! 😮

    • January 8, 2010 8:13 PM

      My sister really was cool about the whole thing although there wasn’t too much she could do about it since the deed had already been done. LOL

      Assplosion….bwahahahahahahahaha!

  3. January 8, 2010 8:16 AM

    Wooooooooooow……..I’m at a loss for words Gary! And that doesn’t happen much! Thank you…THANK YOU for not having a picture! The image in my head is bad enough…I feel like I was there and that’s not cool! Very detailed story DUDE! LMAO…you got me beat by a mile…at least!

    • January 8, 2010 8:14 PM

      Yeah, it’s too bad you couldn’t have been there Nikki. It was a lot of fun for sure. LOL

  4. January 8, 2010 8:28 AM

    ROFLMFAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! STFU…this was soooooooooo worth waiting for!!! What is really bad is that like Nikki the visual may never leave! So you did get it ALL cleaned up right? Does pissing on the nurse while delivering a baby count..cuz if it does then I can join the club!

    • January 8, 2010 8:15 PM

      Oh yeah, I got it ALL cleaned up. I figured that was the LEAST I could do after shitting all over my sister’s kitchen. LOL

      Sure, join the club! 😀

      • January 8, 2010 9:24 PM

        K I’m in ! next time I tell a nurse I need to piss maybe she’ll listen!

        • January 8, 2010 9:46 PM

          Who knows but you can only lead a horse to water. You can’t make it drink. LOL

  5. January 8, 2010 9:40 AM

    If I was your sister I think I would have moved out of that apartment ASAP!

  6. January 8, 2010 10:24 AM

    I wish I would have read this after I had my breakfast, not before! You and the bathroom! LOL 🙂

    • January 8, 2010 8:17 PM

      Sorry Luisa! Maybe I should have put up a warning sign or something? LOL

    • January 9, 2010 7:45 AM

      I’M WITH YOU LUISA I WAS EATING MY BREAKFAST WHILE READING THIS ..WHAT A WAY TO START THE MORNING!

      • January 9, 2010 7:44 PM

        Sorry bout that Terri. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

  7. January 8, 2010 10:34 AM

    OMG!!!! I think now I’m sorry I asked for an “explanation”!!!!!!!!! Way TMI!!!! Oh god, the image of that is horrible.

    • January 8, 2010 8:18 PM

      I didn’t want to let anyone down Joy. Everyone wanted the story so I gave it to ya. bwahahahahahahahahaha

  8. January 8, 2010 10:55 AM

    Oh my, oh my, oh my. WHY did your brother-in-law take so long?!!!!! Geez! He is partially to blame. Do they have more bathrooms now? Why didn’t you hoist your ass up to the sink, or shit outside?

    • January 8, 2010 1:04 PM

      or even a garbage can!?…I’m sure he’s thinking…well if I would have thought about that! lol

      • January 8, 2010 8:21 PM

        Pretty much Nikki…LOL

        I was just hoping I could make it too the bathroom but found out too late that it wasn’t going to happen. LOL

    • January 8, 2010 8:20 PM

      I have NO IDEA Jean. I told him I had to go and I told him I had to go BAD but he took his sweet time in there. I didn’t go outside because it was the dead of winter and an apartment complex so I know I would have been seen. LOL I never thought about the sink.

  9. January 8, 2010 12:49 PM

    “Five more minutes went by and still no sign of the FUCKING door opening.”…Right then you should have gone outside behind the bush!

    • January 8, 2010 6:35 PM

      LMFAO!!!! I would have told the guy…dude I’m gonna shit my pants right here on the kitchen floor for YOU to clean up if you don’t open the effin door NOW!

    • January 8, 2010 8:24 PM

      If she would have been living in a house with her own back yard, I would have went outside but it was an apartment building so I would have been seen. 😦

  10. January 8, 2010 4:15 PM

    OMG, I don’t even know what to say! The image is burned into my mind forever and I can’t stop laughing!!!!!!!!!!!!

  11. January 8, 2010 6:39 PM

    It’s gonna take all night to claw this image out of my head! 🙂

  12. January 8, 2010 8:00 PM

    I gotta give you points for having the guts to tell that story to the internet! 🙂

  13. January 8, 2010 11:06 PM

    That’s definitely the most unique funny story I’ve heard so far. And I’m glad I was able get up the floor where I was rolling and laughing and having stomach cramp at the same time.

    Okay, now I’m back to my senses again… don’t worry about the photo, Gary. Your story is so vivid, that should be enough to stir our thoughts and imagination. And thanks for posting, I can’t help myself laughing while typing this comment. 😀

    • January 9, 2010 7:46 PM

      I’m glad I could make you laugh so hard Jenny! LOL I can laugh about it now but back then…..not so much. LOL

      I’m glad you enjoyed the read. 😀

  14. January 9, 2010 11:17 AM

    It must have been Keystone beer!! Yuk-a-mungo dude!! Lol.

    • January 9, 2010 7:42 PM

      Bwahahahahahahahahaha…..no, NOT Keystone. LOL I’m pretty sure it was tequila and Corona after thinking about it a bit. 😀

  15. Sherri permalink
    January 10, 2010 5:25 PM

    Priceless Gary Boy! Effin priceless!!!! ROFLMFAO fo’ sure!

  16. January 19, 2010 9:43 PM

    I have NEVER laughed out loud so damn hard before…
    So hard that I started coughing (yep, I’m sick again) and actually pee’d a little!!!

    No seriously.. I have NEVER laughed out loud so damn hard before!!!!!

    I’m with Sherri .. fucking priceless!!!

    Especially the “… or was I dreaming” line

    • January 20, 2010 4:08 PM

      I’m so glad to hear that the hardest you have ever laughed was at my expense. I love hearing women laugh at me. Nothing better. ROFLMAO!

  17. January 19, 2010 9:44 PM

    Oh.. and the whole “.. enjoyed the moment”?
    yea.. says a WHOLE lot about you !!!

    ROFLMAO

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