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Sunglasses…Fresh out of the Microwave!

August 19, 2009

Written Saturday, July 18, 2009

I am VERY picky anal when it comes to my sunglasses. I think it’s harder for me to find a pair of sunglasses that I’m happy with than a car I would be happy with. As a matter of fact, I KNOW I have spent more time sunglass shopping than shopping for the house we live in. I can’t help it, it’s just who I am.

I have guidelines I use when shopping for sunglasses that absolutely CANNOT be compromised.

  1. The sunglasses CANNOT have scratches or smudges on the lenses.
  2. The sunglasses MUST be properly proportionate to the size of my head. Too small or too large of sunglasses make one look like a goober. I DON’T want to look like a goober!
  3. The lenses MUST be dark enough to keep the sun from making me squint with them on but yet not so dark that I can hardly tell the sun is even shining.
  4. The sunglasses MUST be light weight. I don’t want big heavy sunglasses that dig into the sides of my nose.
  5. The sunglasses MUST be in proper working condition. No loose or missing screws, the arms must open and close properly, lenses seated in the frame properly and the nose pieces must swivel evenly on both sides not too little and not too much.
  6. I often wear baseball caps and place the sunglasses on the bill of my hat when not in use. Therefore, the sunglasses MUST fit well on the bill of my cap and look good while sitting there.
  7. The sunglasses MUST NOT fall off easily. I use the “bend over” test before purchasing. I slide the sunglasses on and bend over. If they fall off or move a lot, I don’t want them.
  8. The sunglasses MUST NOT have any visible countries of origin on them. Looking over at someone and seeing “Made in China, USA, India, Mexico” or any other country is tacky. I don’t give a rat’s ass where they were made as long as they are within my guidelines. Nobody looking at them will care where they came from so I don’t want it anywhere visible. I mean have you EVER looked over at someone’s sunglasses and thought to yourself “hey, those really cool sunglasses that dude is wearing were made in Peru.” “I guess they make really neat sunglasses in Peru.” I didn’t think so!
  9. The sunglasses MUST NOT be a funky color like green or purple. Black, silver, grey, or an occasional brown are the only acceptable colors.
  10. The sunglasses MUST sit properly on my face. If they are bent even 1/100th of a millimeter and one side of the glasses are higher than the other, I don’t want them. That drives me friggin nuts!
  11. The sunglasses MUST be fairly priced. I have spent well over $100.00 for a pair of sunglasses in the past but being married to a lovely lady who ONLY bargain shops, makes spending that kind of money on sunglasses out of the question.
  12. Finally, the last and absolutely most important guideline I follow is the sunglasses MUST make me look cool.

If and ONLY if the sunglasses fall within these guidelines, will I purchase them.

This summer was the year for a new pair of shades and oh what a year it has been. I started my quest for the perfect pair at Wal-Mart, knowing full well that it probably wasn’t the best place but I knew that guideline #11 (fairly priced) would be pretty easy. I searched high and low and much to my surprise, found a pair that met all of my guidelines. I walked out thinking my search was over until I got into the parking lot and into the sun with them on. I apparently didn’t do a very good job checking guideline # 1 (scratches and smudges) and noticed a small scratch on one of the lenses. I turned right around before even reaching my car and exchanged them for a new pair without any scratches and went home pleased as punch. I wore my new shades for a couple of days and when I took them off, one of the ear pieces stayed on my ear instead of the glasses. I found my receipt and returned to Wal-Mart to exchange them for yet another pair but they had sold out of them. The sales lady showed me a variety of others to choose from but none of them came close to fulfilling guideline # 12 (making me look cool) so I was refunded my money.

Undaunted by my shade misfortunes, I continued my quest to find my summer shades at the mall. I heard through the grapevine there was a cool sunglass hut there. When I arrived at the little hut, I along with my son Nick were both amazed at both the choices in shades and their prices. I found multiple pairs of shades that fit all my guidelines and had a hard time choosing which pair I wanted the most which very rarely happens to me. The glasses were all marked two for $20.00 which I thought was a darn good price for such fine eyewear. I ended up getting a pair for myself and a pair for my son Nick. We both left the mall pleased as punch and spent the remainder of the day at the resort swimming pool sporting our new shades and feeling really cool. When I was done swimming I returned to our camper, set my new sunglasses on the table and hopped into the shower. This was a fatal mistake! While in the shower, Logan played with them for a while and when I opened up the bathroom door they were laying on the floor being chewed on by the dog. After being played with by a five year old and chewed on by a dog, the shades now did not meet guideline #’s 1, 5, 6, 7, 10 and 12 which is totally unacceptable. At this point there was only one thing I could do, return to the mall in the morning and purchase yet another pair. ARGH!

The next morning I arrived at the mall just a few minutes after the doors opened at 10:00am. I walked to the little sunglass hut only to find it closed. No visible hours of operation posted anywhere or any signs of life. I aimlessly wandered the mall for a bit in the hopes that the little hut would be open when I returned but no luck. I noticed an employee of GNC standing outside the store across from the hut and asked if she knew when the hut opened. She said they run a little late sometimes and don’t open until 11:00am. I thanked her and wandered around the mall until 11:30am and they still hadn’t opened the store yet. I thought to myself “ok, I’ll give them all damn day to open and come back tonight” and left the mall disappointed. Later that evening I returned and they were still closed. I guess they aren’t open on Tuesdays? I’ll have to try again tomorrow. AAARGH!!

The next day I arrived at the mall shortly after 11:00am and made my way to the sunglass hut and hooray, they were open. This time I was smart enough to buy two pairs of shades since I seem to be going through them like socks. When I returned to the camper, I decided to find a nice high place to keep them so the dog and the five year old couldn’t get to them. I very rarely use the microwave so I decided that would be the best place to keep them. Things went very well for my new shades and I for about a week. Paula came out to the camper to spend the weekend and brought some steaks and baking potatoes with her for dinner. I was in charge of cooking the steaks on the grill and Paula was in charge of the potatoes. I finished the steaks and asked if the potatoes were done. “Yep, they are ready to go” Paula responded. We went inside the camper to eat dinner and I asked where the potatoes were. “They are still in the microwave, they were still too hot to the touch” Paula said. “THE MICROWAVE” I shouted. “PLEASE tell me you took my sunglasses out of there first” I said. “Sunglasses, I didn’t see any sunglasses in there” Paula replied. I opened up the microwave door and there sat two hot baking potatoes and a pair of melted sunglasses. AAAAAARGH!

Paula reminded me a few times that only a dumbass would keep sunglasses in the microwave. Thankfully I was wearing the other pair while I was grilling the steaks. I am down to this one pair and keeping my fingers and toes crossed that nothing happens to these at least until the end of the summer. LOL

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19 Comments leave one →
  1. August 19, 2009 3:12 PM

    lolz! I guess the best place to keep them close, safe and well protected is up your… Chimney (you perv!)

    • Paula permalink
      August 19, 2009 4:19 PM

      This is definitely not the only thing he is this anal about!!!!

      • August 20, 2009 9:50 PM

        Is that right? What else am I anal about dear wifey?

    • August 20, 2009 9:50 PM

      I’m thinking that’s about the only place they will be safe Archie. LOL

  2. S. Le permalink
    August 19, 2009 5:47 PM

    I’m with Paula. Sheesh! What a stupid place to keep sunglasses! lol

    • August 20, 2009 9:52 PM

      Thanks S……..I should have known you ladies would stick together and lay ALL the blame on poor me. 😦

  3. August 19, 2009 9:16 PM

    Wow! for sunglasses?

  4. August 19, 2009 10:23 PM

    what! No picture? We have to SEE what you endorse as cool sunglasses. A pictures worth a thousand words. a picture of melted sunglasses: Priceless

    • August 20, 2009 9:55 PM

      Hi Renee! I didn’t get a photo of the melted sunglasses because I was too heartbroken over the whole situation however I DO have a post coming shortly complete with a photo of me wearing my cool shades so stay tuned!!! 🙂

  5. August 20, 2009 4:15 AM

    Renee beat me to it I wanted a picture of them melted & one of how cool you looked in them prior to meltdown phase. When I read the bit that said, I very rarely use the microwave so I decided that would be the best place to keep them. I mentally pictured them on top of the microwave. Who in God’s name would ever think of putting them IN the microwave???? I wouldn’t really have thought you would’ve been silly enough to…. Oh, just remembered the backwards battery connection & then glimpsed to the right & saw the Moron of the Year photo…… Question answered

    • Paula permalink
      August 20, 2009 8:14 AM

      Well put Tony. Who would of thought of putting the glass on top of the microwave….but know my husband (and only my husband would put them in the microwave. He also failed to mention I am only around 5 ft tall and this microwave in our camper is up higher than 5 ft so I can barely put stuff in let alone look and see anything in it.

      • S. Le permalink
        August 20, 2009 8:24 AM

        How could he expect you to see them in there? I still don’t understand why he put them in there to begin with. Silly, silly man.

        • August 20, 2009 9:59 PM

          Simply put, it’s because I’m a dumbass S. 🙂

      • August 20, 2009 9:59 PM

        Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that didn’t I? My bad! LOL

    • August 20, 2009 9:58 PM

      hahahahahahahaha….your killing me Tony!! LOL I would have put them ON the microwave but it’s a camper so the microwave is built into the wall thus making it impossible to place anything on it. So, I did the next best thing and put them IN the microwave. Cut me some slack here eh brother? LOL

    • August 20, 2009 10:01 PM

      Stay tuned Tony! There is a photo of me wearing the sunglasses in a near future post. 🙂

  6. September 7, 2009 12:54 AM

    i have the same problem shopping for sunglasses… never cna decide

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