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Comedic Quotes

March 4, 2009

Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.
-Robin Williams

Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself.
-Roseanne

Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.
-Billy Crystal

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, “My God, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!”
-Dave Barry

According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful.
-Jay Leno

I am not the boss of my house. I don’t know how I lost it. I don’t know when I lost it. I don’t think I ever had it. But I’ve seen the boss’s job and I don’t want it.
-Bill Cosby

We have women in the military, but they don’t put us in the front lines. They don’t know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, “You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms.”
-Elayne Boosler

There’s a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what’s the problem?
-Jay Leno

When the sun comes up, I have morals again.
-Elayne Boosler

There’s very little advice in men’s magazines, because men don’t think there’s a lot they don’t know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, “I know what I’m doing, just show me somebody naked.”
-Jerry Seinfield

If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
-George Carlin

Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.
-Lewis Grizzard

The problem with the designated driver program, it’s not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house.
-Jeff Foxworthy

See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.
-Robin Williams

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16 Comments leave one →
  1. March 4, 2009 8:16 AM

    I love em! Especially the last one!!!!!! Now I understand what the problem is! LMAO ROFL LOL

  2. lviss permalink
    March 4, 2009 9:30 AM

    You cant have both cakes B and P and eat them at the same time.
    The swelling is not a desirable one.
    As for morals I am morally wounded .

  3. March 4, 2009 10:33 AM

    LMAO…these are all funny!!! Love the military one!!! I’d kick some butt over that too!!! Women should be put in the front lines..we crazy!!!! 😉

  4. March 4, 2009 10:44 AM

    That’s for sure Nikki. ROFLMAO!!!

  5. March 4, 2009 10:45 AM

    I think the first one is my favorite, followed by the last one. 😀

  6. March 4, 2009 11:43 AM

    Funny joke I heard about marriage the other day…What’s the leading cause for divorce?? MARRIAGE!!!! LMAO….Jason asked me that and was shocked I knew the answer. I think it scared him a bit!! 🙂 Jokes aside being married is a beautiful thing..sometimes a beautiful disaster but it’s all the same to me!! hehe

  7. March 4, 2009 11:44 AM

    ROFLMAO!!! Thanks Gary I needed that!

  8. March 4, 2009 12:15 PM

    This is my favorite one:

    Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.

  9. ~*вяσωηιє*~ permalink
    March 4, 2009 12:48 PM

    LOL!
    I love this one – – You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, “My God, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!”
    -Dave Barry

    And I like some others too, they are cool! LOL! 😛

  10. March 4, 2009 3:30 PM

    😀 @ Nikki

  11. March 4, 2009 3:30 PM

    Your welcome Starla! Glad you enjoyed! 😀

  12. March 4, 2009 3:31 PM

    I liked that one too Joy! 😀

  13. March 4, 2009 3:31 PM

    Glad you liked Brownie!! 😀

  14. ~*вяσωηιє*~ permalink
    March 4, 2009 3:41 PM

    😀

  15. March 5, 2009 9:27 PM

    I’m not sure who said it but one of my favorite quotes is…

    People are a lot like slinkies..not much fun till you push them down a flight of stairs! 🙂

    • March 5, 2009 9:36 PM

      Ohhhhhhhhh, I LIKE that one Java!! ROFLMAO!!

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